So what’s the real secret of love?

As Shannon and I celebrate our 20^th anniversary this May, I think about all the books & articles that we’ve written together about love & the hundreds of radio interviews where we’ve spontaneously shared our love insights with hearts tingling with joy. We’ve spoken our message of love in a zillion ways.

The love we experience feels so profound that “new” love words seem continuously needed to capture the essence & magnitude of what we share.

Our 20th Anniversary in Venice (Well, OK, in the Venetian in Las Vegas)

So why not just shut up & enjoy this privately ourselves? Why bother to share this with you?Because the love we experience with each other is just too good, too real, & too accessible to be restricted to just our relationship. Our love belongs to you too. You deserve to feel this love, and it’s closer than you may think.

In fact, I’m celebrating our 20^thanniversary by writing this love note to you as well as to Shannon.

My relationship with Shannon has totally reshaped my life. There was “Life before Shannon” and then there was “Life after Shannon.” Two completely different dimensions of “life.” It’s as if I died & was reborn & given another life opportunity. Read More→

Here’s a secret that will move your love life higher: There is a love ratio that almost guarantees that your relationships will be rich & lasting.

In successful, lasting intimate relationships, there is a high ratio of positive sharing compared to negative sharing.

How many positive experiences does it take to balance out a comparable negative experience? It’s been suggested by psychologist Barbara Fredrickson that the ratio is 3:1 – that’s 3 positive emotions to every one negative.

Since then, noted psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, found in his research that a 5 to 1 ratio is necessary in order for a marriage to succeed. In fact, he claims he can spot a couple who is headed for divorce within the first 15 minutes of interviewing them based on this 5:1 ratio.

What this means is that, in a happy lasting relationship, each partner gives the other partner at least five positive, loving emotions or experiences to every negative one.

Why is it so important to offer 5 positive emotions to each negative one?

Because we remember the negative experiences vividly – whether criticism, judgment, or even neutrality.  Even slight negative remarks can hurt our feelings & stick with us – usually for a long time. Our feeling loved rapidly slips away.

That’s why a high ratio of love versus non-love is so essential. Each of us 

needs the constant nurturing of loving-kindness to support our tender hearts. This is a big secret of lasting love.

We love this secret – and we would take it even higher to what we call the “Golden Flow.”

The “Golden Flow” of love is a step beyond measuring love by a ratio. It measures love by the consistency of the flow of love. This is what has kept our love so alive & incredibly nourishing for twenty years. It’s the underlying theme in all our books, writings, & courses.

Here’s what this looks like from the inside of a lasting, intimate relationship. Each partner feels emotionally safe, relaxed, & deeply loved because there is a flow of love as consistent as Niagara Falls. This creates a tremendous sense of well-being, and it adds to each other’s confidence and ability to adjust to life’s changes.

How do you recognize a soulmate man?

If you’re a woman and looking to meet your soulmate man, a question you might be asking is “Does he really exist?”

Well, fortunately, the answer to that is yes.

The better questions to ask are these: “What does a soulmate man want?” And “What is the essence of a soulmate man?”

At one of our workshops on love, with both men and women present, we asked the men what they were honestly seeking in a woman. Now mind you, these were men who had signed up for a workshop on love! But they represent the expanding crop of soulmate men, so it’s worth listening to them carefully.

Surprising to most women, these men unanimously wanted a woman who was strong, independent, heart-centered, & reliably kind.

When we look inside our own soulmate marriage, these are the critical ingredients at the center of our soulmate love. Each of us is strong and very independent. That sometimes leads to tension & some honest power-clearing conversations, but it points to equality as a centerpiece of what makes soulmate love work. This is the core of any partnership, no matter what the genders.

Remaining kind when both partners are strong requires a delicate balance of love skills – deep listening, empathy when things are tense, teamwork rather than pushing, & a heart open enough to change to the highest position of good for the partnership.

That’s exactly where being heart centered comes into play. Soulmate men (and women) are comfortable in the “heart zone.” They know the value of heart sharing. They initiate heart talk. And they know it works best when there’s no judgment or anger.

This is the secret to soulmate love between two partners. They are equally strong, but they are equally heart-centered too. They know how to listen to each other. They know how to be kind.

So how do you know if a man is a soulmate catch? Here are some clues.

The essence of a soulmate man is tender strength, openness to heart intimacy, inner strength that is measured by kindness under fire, empathy that can feel what’s cooking in your inner heart, a commitment to equality where both partners can express & shine, & a willingness to move through tension to more love.

These are the qualities that define soulmate love between two soulmate partners.

A Love hero doesn’t just touch our life. A Love Hero transforms & uplifts our life!

When we reflect on the love heroes who have personally affected our lives, our hearts flood with gratitude & appreciation. But do these “Love Hero’s” even know?

For example, Scott quickly identified three people as Love Heroe’s who have dramatically affected his life – his Mom, Dad, & Shannon, his wife. Here are Scott’s words of acknowledgement & praise:

Scott's parents Elaine & Sis

One of my Love Heroes is my Mom because she was such a role model of a powerfully strong yet sensitive woman.  She knew what was in my heart without my saying a word. Even during college, she wrote letters to me (which I nick-named “Mom’s morals”) where she honestly shared things she thought it would be good for me to ponder (that I might want to improve). Yet I always felt her unconditional love. She taught me, through her actions, what principle and love look like when expressed simultaneously – and this guides me every day of my life.

One of my other Love Hereos is my Dad.  He’s a Love Hero in a different way.  He was often quiet & shy. He didn’t open his heart to me. It was part of his generation’s behavior. But he modeled what it looks like to treat a woman (my Mom) with equality, dignity, & reverence. My deep passion for women’s rights comes from the modeling of both my Mom and Dad. They have both passed on so they will never see these words. My bad. I know they know, but I wish I would have matured in love sooner so I could have written this while they were here.

Shannon Peck

My third huge Love Hero is Shannon and she, thank God, is here to read these words. After two failed marriages, I finally met my soulmate. The intimacy we share is off the charts. We are each other’s Love Hero’s, and it’s not often I get to share first (but I started this column. Ha Ha). Shannon has elevated my life to a place that I would never have imagined or achieved through her radiant spirituality, joy, & wide-open, naturally open heart. She is a role model for me every day of my life.

So who are the top Love heroe’s that have personally touched your life?

We invite you to share your Love Hero acknowledgments on our Facebook Love Page because your Love Heroe’s deserve clear & open recognition. In fact, if they are still alive, send them a link to your Love Hero posting on our Facebook page so they can feel your acknowledgement & praise.  

Don’t wait.  Share your Love Hero (or heroes) right now. Imagine the increase of visible love if we all take the time to honor our Love Hero’s together!

To get started, just visit our Facebook Love Page & begin your post with “One of my Love Heroe’s is……. because….”

P.S.  Shannon is going to post her Love Heroes on Tuesday on our Facebook Love Page  

Marilyn Monroe’s greatest need was for love.

Sitting in the theatre watching the new movie, “My Week With Marilyn,” we were touched by the performance of Michelle Williams as Marilyn. She WAS Marilyn. And she was captivating!

What was especially gripping to us was the reminder of Marilyn’s life quest to be loved for who she was. She suffered from extreme low self-esteem as a result of not feeling loved. Her pain filled the screen.

Sadly, she compensated for her lack of love by accepting the role of being the sexiest woman on earth. At least she had people’s attention, but it still wasn’t the love she longed for to fill her. Marilyn needed a soulmate.

“What if,” we wondered, “Marilyn had come out and announced to the world that she was really a normal person who needed love?” And what if she made her need to be loved – for who she is – a life goal? Then, we believe, she could have found her soulmate.

There is an unspoken secret in most people’s hearts.

It’s the secret we bury and guard with our lives. It’s why we are terrified of intimacy where you expose who you are and risk everything if they don’t like or love you for it. Our secret? It’s fear. It’s the “What if I’m not really loveable? Or deserving to be loved?” And “What if they find out who I really am and tell everyone else, confirming my worst fear of being totally unloveable?”

This is a secret held by many – even celebrities. When the secret gets exposed, we understand. We ache for them. We know ourselves what it means to face the dreadful fear of “What if I’m not who they think I am? What if they see into me, who I really am, and walk away?” And, “Is there anyone out there who can give me the love I long for and validate that I am loveable?”

The greatest emotional asset we have is our courage to be ourselves – from our hearts and our guts. Marilyn had the burning desire. But she didn’t have the courage to stand up for what she most wanted and needed and to take a stand without backing down. We’re talking about raw emotion, our need for love.

Imagine if Marilyn’s soul search had caused her to stand up and say to herself, “I’m good enough! I’m worthy of being loved! I’m going to be exactly who I am and see who shows up!”

If only she had stood her ground. But her fear caused her to cave. Marilyn is us. How can we pick up where she left off and make good on our promise to show up for our authentic selves and expect to be loved?

Here’s one powerful way to start. Learn who your authentic self is. Most of us don’t know. Unless we know what our value is we won’t be convinced that we are loveable. All you have to do is look into your heart. What’s there? Are you someone who cares, has desires, holds values high, and tries to make a better world? Then you are loveable!

Our hearts are vastly unexplored areas. Fear holds us back.

But if you dare to be bold and courageous, then take a look at what’s inside. We believe you will come to see many things about yourself that are admirable and that you can appreciate and even love. As you do, others will notice something special about you and come nearer. They will come closer because you will stand out as someone who is grounded boldly in your exploration and discovery of your personal lovability. And they will want to know your secret. They will find you worth knowing – and loving.

Because you are loveable!

P.S. Here’s the link to the movie trailer:

In less than a 24 hour period, we moved from a state of having been totally burned out, and even feeling isolated from each other … to declaring, “This has been the most perfect day!”

That’s what happened to us when we took some time off recently and went to the desert (Palm Desert) to get some rest – as well as using it as a writing vacation.

We arrived tired, disjointed, & overwhelmed. It’s unlike us to be so disconnected, but home circumstances had demanded more of us than we were able to fulfill. It’s a good thing we got away.

In less than 24 hours , we experienced a complete transformation.

First of all, we realized how much we’d missed our intimacy time together. And how much each of us needed it. After the first day, when we complained a lot about being so tired, we began talking together about things that were meaningful, reconnecting. The fire in our hearts was rekindled.

That evening, we drove to a restaurant but couldn’t find it. So we walked past a different restaurant, and simultaneously, we both saw the perfect romantic (& empty) table on the Italian restaurant’s patio. It was meant for us! We ditched where we were headed and walked in. A few minutes later we were sitting at the table with love in our hearts.

At that moment, we each felt there had been a Presence that we had allowed to take us over. And that had brought us to the desert for restoration.

That’s when we each said, “This has been the most perfect day!” We felt our hearts connected and our conversation during dinner was full of love and sweetness. As soulmates, this is home for us.  It’s so important to rekindle your light.

This is true for you too. To begin experiencing this love, set a love intention for yourself and someone you care for. Let this energy of love take over as you release emotional fatigue, frustration, & overwhelm. Find ways to support each other’s hearts. You will discover that the Presence of Love is responsive to your need to be filled up with love and light.

As we left the restaurant, to make it an even more perfect day, we read a quote on the wall by Albert Schweitzer:

“Sometimes our Light goes out, but it is blown into a flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this Light.”

Most people approach the holidays with dread. If they have a family, the holidays bring them face to face with strong feelings, like: “Where did this family come from anyway? And why can’t they just accept me and love me as I am?” It’s like having a strange gathering with a few who love you and others who are holiday terminators, set out to be the very opposite of who you are, reminding you of what a total misfit you are.

This time of year also brings on holiday blues. We are reminded of how lonely we are most of the time and there’s no one close who really cares about us. This emptiness is painful and brings on great suffering and anxiety. We wonder if this is our future, with more of the same. Our inner talk goes, “Am I going to live in isolation forever? Will this pain ever go away?  Can I not have love like so many others enjoy? Why can’t I have someone to love and be loved by?”

These holiday mindsets can be shifted to holiday liberation & joy! Here’s how:

No matter how long you have experienced dreadful holidays, this year everything needs to change.

First of all, you do have a choice. Even the obligatory family dinner has its rewards. You get to practice your love skills of patience, listening, honoring, and helping. And you can always show up a little late and leave a little early to do what you really want to do, like take a nature walk or meet up with friends and go to a fun movie.

And if you are all alone, you can start planning now to get out of the apartment or house where you live and do something you love. At some point of the day, make an arrangement to meet up with someone you enjoy. Some groups (ALYNON & others) have meetings on holidays to help people get through. Seek out meaningful gatherings where hearts connect and intimacy is at its finest.

One of the biggest connectors we know is to make a list of your top 5 or 10 fave people. Call them up on the morning of the holiday and tell them the top 3 things you most love about them. Then, wish them a wonderful holiday! Whether or not you are meeting a group of people later, we assure you, these calls will be the highlight of your – and their – holiday.

Do you know anyone who would rather not hear what you most love about them? We assure you there is no one! This love call opens hearts and quickly fills in all gaps that previously divided you from these people. All it takes is one open heart. Your friends will remember this call for a long time.

When it comes to the holidays & to end loneliness, spread the joy, and share your love! This will turn your holiday into a lasting, memorable experience.  

A few years ago, Shannon was wondering what her life would look like if she started loving herself twice as much. The outcomes were wonderful, but it took her three weeks to start the new goal!

She had never had such an experience before, where she could not keep this goal in focus. Everytime she set her intention, she quickly forgot it. So, she wrote on a 5×7 card, “Love myself 2x as much,” and put it in front of her computer. Even then, it took a couple weeks for the card to grab her attention! This shows how stuck we get in our patterns and how much effort we sometimes have to make in order to move forward! She finally did it!

Most of us are in a routine of beating ourselves down, so the idea of loving yourself twice as much comes as a real shift. Why, you might ask, do you deserve that much love?

First of all, you wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t a loving person. Since you’re attracted to love, we know that you carry a lot of love in your heart. The love you outpour to others deserves to also come home to yourself. You deserve to be richly loved!

Here’s a very short video by Shannon to help you get started!

• Receive love from others as generously as they give it to you. In other words, don’t reject or shy away from their gifts. Don’t try to stop their love. Let it in.
• Learn to set boundaries. Can you say, “No,” and make it stick?
• Give yourself permission to lovingly speak up in areas you may need to – where you normally stay mute.
• Give yourself a break from chores and take time just for you! No kidding. Just sit by yourself somewhere private and just contemplate. Listen to love.
• Take a look at your inner thoughts, the things you say to yourself about everything that happens to you. What percent of your thoughts are negative? Lift yourself higher by remembering what a wonderful person you are and how hard you try to be good. Give yourself the gift of inner love talk.
• Be more visible with those who don’t judge you.
• See yourself as a masterpiece unfolding. Do you dare? Why not! Michelangelo carved his masterpieces by removing hard marble to reveal his vision. You can too.
• Forgive yourself for every mistake you ever made, no matter how bad it was.

Here’s a short video from Scott.

We have smart phones & smart cars, but why are we not more inventive – & smart – when it comes to dating?

The whole idea of dating is to have fun, share meaning, and establish a potentially valuable relationship – and maybe even find your soulmate.

Often, that doesn’t happen. We make dating mistakes.

Most of them are avoidable. Anyone who has ever been on a date quickly recalls their worst dating mistakes. But the mistakes we make can be useful for future dates if we think through what went wrong.   

Here are some dating mistakes that can block you from finding your soulmate.  

Mistake #1: You trust too easily. You think: “I’m a loving person. I don’t want to be suspicious of every new date I meet.”

It’s so easy to assume you know someone. Perhaps you’ve assumed that you could be open and even share something deeply personal with a date. Then you discovered you were with someone far different than the person you thought you knew. It takes time to learn whether someone is sensitive to your needs, open, and trustworthy. .

Our advice. Go slowly. Enjoy your dating, but think of your new “love” as a potentially great new “friendship.” If it turns into real “love,” you’re still going to want to be best friends too! That’s a key secret to soulmate love! Going slowly will only enhance the love. If it’s real, it won’t vanish.

Trust needs to be earned. It takes time to discover whether this person truly cares about your needs, is honest, open, & trustworthy, Pay attention to the early signs. Your gut is honest. Listen!

Mistake #2:  You tolerate disrespect. You think: “I’m a nice person. I can forgive them. Things will get better.”  

Become sensitive to how everyone in your life treats you. Often, we expect far less of others than we ourselves offer to them. By our allowing someone to get off-the-hook from being respectful (all the time), we actually enable someone to be less than who they could be, which even they won’t respect.

The number one way you know when you are loving yourself is by self-respect, which shows up by how you allow someone to treat you. The rule of thumb is, when someone is disrespectful, bring it up in a loving way so the person can make a course correction. If he or she continues with disrespect, realize that this is not a relationship you need. Find the nearest exit and vanish!

Maybe it’s been a long time since you were held. Touch is a basic need for us all.

But, remember, you really want to be held by someone whose caress is another way of expressing how he or she values and appreciates you, based on knowing the real you.

Your real effort is in doing the loving-yourself work to have that happen. That means you date and date and date until you can select that special someone with whom you share mutual interests, have a deep connection – someone who sees you as more than a physical body. Someone who knows your soul essence. When you allow your body (really, your “self”) to be treated with little regard, as a casual throwaway or one-nighter, your light will shine less bright.

Ask yourself early on, is it really worth it?

Remember, we all make mistakes in dating. We have three divorces between us to prove it. But we learned. You can too. It’s a lot sweeter to learn by taking these mistakes into your heart, than by suffering through a toxic relationship. You deserve the best of love!

These are challenging times on relationships.

Many are experiencing massive changes, economic challenges, and worries about how they’re going to make it through. Anxiety and fear ride high. It’s harder than ever to remain balanced and sane.

It’s difficult on relationships to cope with so much stress from all the demands and changes every day. Even though we may deeply love someone, all this inevitably hits home to our most beloved relationship.

We want to share with you how we ourselves have addressed this in order to keep our soulmate relationship in a sweet and deeply loving place.

Recently, when we found ourselves disagreeing and realized that we were repeating this stand-off position more regularly, we brought it out into the open and addressed it. How, we reasoned, can we prevent the hard feelings when we disagree and keep the beautiful feelings of love alive and in the forefront of our relationship?

Here’s what Scott wrote to himself privately one night as ways to create more love:

• Goal: Sweetness, love, happiness. No hurt feelings
• When we have different views: Listen. Appreciate. Explore. Be patient. Let God reveal.
• When “tech stuff” creates tension: Do what I love without any imposing. Don’t Don’t make any jokes in this arena. Compliment every step forward. Teach with joy. Seek only to empower.
• When my ideas seem unappreciated or rejected: Present them with greater clarity. Let go. It’s just an idea. Let divine Love create. Let there be conversation without any pushing.
• When I disagree with her ideas: Explore them more. Find out why they are important to her. Ask, “Tell me more.”

• Slow down listening.
• Be sure I understand what Scott’s saying.
• Be gentle in my response.
• Acknowledge Scotty’s wonderfulness and my love for him.
• Watch to keep the feeling of love alive in my heart. Be sure he feels my love no matter if we agree or not.
• Call forth the divine. Lean in.
• Lead with my heart chakra & come back to it over and over, especially when we disagree.
• Speak softly from my heart, so he feels it.
• Be patient. Work through it. Forgive as I go.
• Remember: Nothing is more important in our relationship than living our love and showing how much we care.

Making such big love efforts works. As each of you share your inner thoughts towards how you will improve to help the relationship, your loved one will be deeply touched with appreciation. It refreshes, encourages, and sets a new bar – bringing in the flow of rich, sustained soulmate love.